I was trying to think of a way to explain what inspires me and how I am inspired and this post ended up being one of the hardest for me to write, since, there are so many things that do inspire me.
I know I may sound like a broken record when discussing my illnesses and my health condition, but, even if the last decade seems to have taken the best of me, I also see it as a blessing in disguise. (For many, many reasons.)
Of course, I must include my children in my list of inspirations! They come first if I was to jot down a top 10 list. (But, they also play an important role in my other inspirations.)
I live by certain mottos, it's how I was raised and also how we raise our little ones to live. I'm sure you have heard these before. There seem to be so many different lessons learned from them and so many interpretations.
"There is always somebody worse off than you."
Now, this isn't saying that I don't think that people shouldn't be miserable, be upset, cry or be sad in any way, whatsoever... BUT I do take this to mean, "It could always be worse."
These are the sayings I seem to keep drilling inside my head. Especially on days when I do want to complain and I am going through a lot of pain.
Of course, we all complain about things sometimes, we all have bad days and times when life just isn't fair and it seems we will never bounce back from everything that is happening, our whole world is flipped upside down and nothing is going our way. I have these days a lot and I usually end up reading books, spending extra time with my kids, watching, Cops Reloaded marathons, listening to music, anything that will keep my mind off of the negativity.
It does get hard sometimes and it is hard to imagine that there is really somebody out there who is going through something or somethingS, that are just as bad and even worse than you.
When my feet and ankles started to become progressively worse and I couldn't find a surgeon who would fix me without amputation, I took my stubborn attitude and continued to fight, each and every day. Working 2 jobs, being a wife, a mom, doing all of the housework, errands, everything a typical mom who is married to a truck driver and bartends would be doing. At that time, I only had 2 children. Two kids can be just as time consuming and crazy as 3, 4 or even more ;)
But, I still couldn't walk to well and the pain was becoming totally unbearable and there were times I simply couldn't even lift my feet to move. It felt like there were concrete blocks forcing all of the weight in the world, on top of them. I swelled up so bad and couldn't stand it anymore and continued to find a doctor, anywhere, who would say they could fix me.
When I finally found this person, they didn't make any promises but I was much to busy and had to much to do so I agreed to a series of reconstructive foot and ankle surgeries that would most likely at least get me back to walking and getting around. The bad thing was, she had a 2 year waiting list for the first surgery.
Luckily, that got knocked down a bit since I was considered an "extreme case", but I still waited a little over a year for this. I also gave birth to our 3rd child, a baby girl! So, I was even more anxious to get back on my feet, (literally.), since another baby meant a lot more housework, doctor visits, errands, days at the park, soccer, playing outside, going for walks and everything else little ones need to do and have done.
(Don't worry, I won't go through every second of the last 10 years! I know not everybody has the time to sit and read such a post! :)
I look back now and think that maybe I was expecting to much and wasn't thinking of the consequences. Why? Well, because I had a house to get back to, jobs to get to, people counting on me sometimes for what seemed to be 24/7 and I didn't have any more time to just limp around and take days off because of something as silly as pain. Although, the pain was getting so bad that I couldn't sleep and I was walking even less. So, the day came for my first surgery and I was thrilled and kept looking in my agendas, waiting to plan everything for that magical day, 6 weeks from today, when I would be moving again and able to get back to all of my jobs, my family, my work, everything and everybody who needed me.
Well, as I'm sure many of my readers know, that time still hasn't come and this was almost 10 years ago since that surgery.
I tried my best, my stubborn attitude and all but this was actually going to hold me down and it took awhile to finally realize, I wasn't getting back up this time.
Yes, I can walk. (Or limp.) and even then it's only a little bit, I always need to hang onto things, it can't be on any uneven surfaces, I usually need help and it usually can't involve any steps.
I've been through so many emotions with this ordeal. I still cry a lot and I sometimes get so angry and sometimes, I go through a phase where I start digging through doctors, specialists, surgeons, trying to find anybody who can help me in some way, any way.
Yes, my surgery failed. I can move slightly better than before my surgery, however, now, I have irreversible, extensive nerve damage and I still need the rest of the surgeries done to fix what wasn't fixed and I still need somebody to finish where my "ex surgeon" left off.
I've been diagnosed with, RSD, MS, neuropathy and they are still diagnosing me as I type this. ( On the bright side, I recently found a surgeon who is willing to help me to a degree.) But, I still have a hard time accepting that this is who I am now.
I was always up and ready to go and always in such a hurry, it was hard for others to keep up with me.
Now, it's hard to get to the grocery store or even walk upstairs to check out one of my children's rooms when they move or change something or clean it up. I have had to knock my shifts down at work, so much that I can barely make it on my one weekend shift each week.
I often sit and think about all of the things I can't do with my family or things I can't do with my kids but, when I do say something like, "Oh, I am so sorry sweetie, I wish I could run or play basketball with you...." , one of my little ones always has such an adorable thing to say...
"It's ok mommy. One day you will be running again!"
"I'm sorry mommy. Maybe if we get a basketball hoop for the backyard, we'll be able to play and then you can play with us."
"Oh mommy, it's going to be alright! You always do crafts with us and we cook together and we do so many things!"
and then I think about how my life slowed down since my "mishaps" and how we are such a close family. We are together most every night, we read together, play together, do crafts, cook, bake, do homework, we have all kinds of fun! If I was still running around like a nut, working 2 jobs, always running to the store, always cleaning, trying to get a few hours sleep between jobs, we wouldn't have this time together!
I do love to get out of the house, even if it is some of the worst pain I have ever felt. It's like my day "off" of work. So, I intend to keep that going as much as I possibly can. But, as for being knocked down and thinking I couldn't get back up, I try to think of the blessings that have come from this whole ordeal. The time I get to spend with my family in itself is a blessing in disguise and I can't imagine life being any different now.
If I were to ever "get better", I would still choose to live the way I have been living and I'd stay slowed down.
After I think about it all, I can add my own illnesses to my list of inspirations. Without them, I wouldn't be able to have all of the time and all of the extra memories with my family.
Oh and I wouldn't have time for all of the extra books, this blog and learning how to make all kinds of homemade things and everything else I never had time for before.
I would love to read comments about things that inspire you!
I almost forgot to mention, so would Hyland's!
As a matter of fact, if you share your own positive quote with Hyland's, you can have a chance to win a super amazing prize package, featuring an array of Hyland's products!!
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I think we can all agree, what the world needs now, is some serious positivity and tons and tons of inspiration!!
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