Saturday, January 31, 2015

All By Myself Again

I don't know how people do it.
I don't think I can stand much more of the loneliness, the empty arms, no sharing the sofa or bed with a tiny, warm, sweet little person who showers you with kisses and squeezes you tight with their little, pudgy arms. No more of the, "I love you mom"'s, all night long until you both drift off to lala land...
Sometimes, somebody will come downstairs and ask for a drink of water or they will have a belly ache or a bad dream. (Although, ever since I put the dream catchers up, there haven't really been many of those anymore.) < Yes, I am being serious about that ;)
The first night this happened, I didn't know what to do! I sat here, trying to figure out what to do first. Did I want to work on my blog? My new blogs? Make some body butters and cleansing grains? Read a book? Bake cookies without a bunch of kids joining in and making a small task end up being a night long adventure? Just goof around on social media? Get a long, hot, bubble bath?? 
I ended up just sitting here, trying to decide what would be the best thing to do. By the time I decided on starting some homemade body butters, it was 1am and a school night, so, off to bed I went.
It took me a bit to get used to sleeping in my bed on a school night/week night and I laid there, sort of wishing for a little voice to say, "Mommy. I need a drink of water." But, it didn't happen.
I really thought that our youngest would be running back down, I was hoping to hear his teeny feet hit the floor and see the big blue blanket ball that crawls across the floor when he is looking for his mommy but worried his dad might still be awake, lol. But, nothing. Not even a peep. I was so sad to think that our youngest didn't need me to hold him and squeeze him super tight and fall asleep while we snuggle up on the sofa.

When we had our first daughter, 22 years ago, she slept through the night, every single night. Sometimes, I would go in her room and try to make a little bit of noise so that she would wake up, just so I could hold her and pretend that she needed me at night time. (Lots of my friends told me I was crazy, they swore this was the best thing I could ever want... a baby who sleeps through the night.) It was very nice to have that but, just once in awhile, I would have loved to have her wake up and cry in the middle of the night lol.
Our next baby, our oldest son, was not a night time sleeper, like, at all. I am a bartender so, I work night shift the majority of the time and this little guy would not sleep until mommy was home. He was wide awake at all hours of the night and I couldn't say no to him, even as a toddler, because he would stare with his big, gorgeous, blue eyes and smile and hug me.
Our first 2 were opposites and then our 3rd and 4th came and they were kind of in between. So, I sort of just stayed with all of them every night. Sure, I had nights when I could sleep in my bed, but, it wasn't easy and it usually ended up with me jumping out of bed several times and coming back with a little monster, or staying with them, where ever they were.
Weekends weren't so bad, since their dad is home. (Yes, having a truck driver for a husband does have it's ups and downs.) and I usually work weekends, so, he was always better than me when it came down to bedtimes. I am spoiled on weekends since I come home and everybody is asleep. Although, even then, there are times I am needed at 4 or 5 am.

So, it's been a few weeks and they are all sleeping where they belong and I am still sad about this. I whisper to each of them, every night, "If you need anything, anything at all, make sure you come back down and tell mommy, ok?"
and they smile and hug me and shake their heads, yes.
It has happened a few times! One of them will come back downstairs and tell me they need help with something, or they just wanted a hug, so, I am always  ecstatic when I hear somebody coming down the steps or slithering through the rooms, covered in a blanket.
I admit, I have been getting a lot more done and I am happy about that, but, I miss being needed all night and I am very worried about the near future when it does come to a complete stop.
BUT, that is what grandchildren are for, right??

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