Saturday, March 14, 2015
No Pain No Gain?
It's funny how pan/chronic pain works. Sometimes, a new layer of pain just hits you out of nowhere and you wish for it to subside a bit or just go away for good but it usually always just sneaks up on you again. (If it disappears.) It's like having a new "demon" and just when you think you can not handle anymore, BOOM! Here comes more pain layers, just to prove you wrong unsure emoticon
Your first thoughts are, "When will this go away?", "Why is this happening?", "I can't live like this!"
and then, you go to get your xrays, mri's, ct scans... sometimes they come back and say maybe it's just getting worse. Maybe it's just hitting the next level. Or, oh, there seems to be more going on in there. Your plantar fasciia ruptured, (or fill in the blank with whatever bone/tendon/joint/tissue).... and the horrific words, "There really isn't anything we can do but help manage the pain."
Depression sets in and you hate yourself and everything makes you sad. Your kids say, "Mommy, I thought they were going to fix your ankles and feet so you can run again?" and you just collapse and hobble to the bathroom to cry without anybody looking.
That typically lasts for a few days, maybe a week.
Then you start to get stubborn and refuse to accept it. You Google search as much as you can, is there anybody out there who can fix me?
You laugh and say it doesn't matter because it isn't going to hold you down and you refuse to accept that this is just the way it will be.
Then, you try and focus on the fact that, "Somebody is always worse off." and you even see FB posts of those who are worse off. It's not that it helps you feel better. I don't wish for anybody to suffer. But, it puts my life into perspective and reminds me to stay strong.
So, you end up realizing finally, that you're not going to get better. This is it. Meet the new you.
"Hello, new pain. It's nice to meet you. I hope to gain something out of our time together. Possibly you will teach me new things or make me aware of something I never knew?"
No, usually the new pain doesn't answer. But, it'll always let you know it's there. The throbbing, burning, searing, electrical shock, stinging, cramping, cracking, popping, pounding signals that always lets you know, "You're still alive!"
Sure, there will be days when you just want to sit and cry. There will be days you wish you could wear shoes, take your kids to the playground, play soccer in the yard with your kids, walk through a store without needing a cart or shelves to keep your balance and all of those other fun things other people get to do.
There will be days when you just want to hide and not have to go outside only to be stared at because of your enormous, elephant legs, or your huge ankles or the stupid clothing you have to wear because everything hurts when it touches your skin.
Then you start wishing you could buy the newest, brightest sneakers that came out, shave your legs regularly and maybe walk like a regular person does.
But, after a few bouts of crying, wishing, hoping, praying, you have no choice but to get right back up and fight.
There aren't any choices anymore. You just HAVE to deal with it and there isn't anything anybody can do to take it away.
Just accept that this is you and count your blessings now.
It makes me laugh when people ask, "Why would you get such a stupid tattoo? Why on earth would anybody want Pinhead on their back?" LOL well, after laughing and replying with some smartass comment about how it is none of their business, if the person is still listening or shows some kind of interest...(this maybe happened 3 times LOL) then, i'll start to explain the reason. (Not that it's any of their business, but sometimes people are just curious.)
I always did love horror movies, especially Hellraiser. Pinhead has always been the coolest horror dude out there lol, (to me at least.)
I always thought it would be the neatest tattoo ever, (and I can't wait to be able to get finished!) but, since my dilemma with chronic pain/RSD/bones/tendons whatever else is on my "list" on my medical papers, the movies, the story, the meanings behind some of my favorite Pinhead quotes, lol, made more sense. Maybe they are just my meanings, since some of the meanings seem to have changed to more inspiring things, that fit my battle to a T.
As stupid as it sounds to people, it has helped to inspire me and helps my outlook on life and where I am and who I am today.
I used to laugh at the Nike quote, "No pain, no gain" but over the past 10 years, I've found that to also have new meaning too. I don't know if Nike meant to do that. But they did. Even if I can't wear their sneakers lol.
So, now, I'm in this place, sure it's very painful and it hurts in more ways than one. But, I accepted it and will focus on gaining more strength, mentally and physically. I found new hope, maybe it's ridiculous.But, I will be focusing more on my left side, hoping for some surgical procedures, injections, etc and the left can be my crutch for now. Well, when and if I can manage to get it on track.
I will not sit in a wheelchair just yet. I firmly believe I have millions more steps to take and I won't give in to these disorders/ortho issues, at all.
I know there are many, many people who have no choice and I also know there are people who are bed ridden and I am very sorry for them. I wouldn't wish any of this on my worst enemy.
All I know, is that for me, I won't go down without a fight and I will continue to make whoever it is who keeps throwing these hurdles at me, really angry.
I also won't let sadness and depression get the best of me. I just don't even have time for that, at all. Sure, I am sad quite a few times a day and some days are better then others but, I can't let go of that thread of sanity that connects me to the rest of the universe.